Testimonial - Nephon

Greetings,

I am writing this testimony at the request of Father David, so you all can know about my life's struggle and continued healing in Christ. I was born and raised an Orthodox Christian. My grandpa was a priest, and my family brought me up in the faith. When I was 8, my parents got a divorce, and so I was a young child who had to witness the effects of love lost between my parents. I didn't think it was going to affect me as it did, but now I realize just how divorce can subconsciously shape a young child's outlook on life for the worse. I continued to live with my mother, who had a string of different boyfriends throughout my childhood. My father got to see me on some weekends out of the month, but I spent most of my time at my mom's house.

When I was 11 years old, my mother and older sister introduced me to marijuana. They were already smoking it, and they were tired of hiding it, so they thought that if they introduced it to me, they wouldn't have to hide it anymore. My mother also thought that if she introduced it to me in a “safe” setting, I wouldn't go out in the streets and try worse things. Well, I can say that this philosophy certainly wasn't true. She met a musician shortly after, and now I found myself being moved to a small town far away. We went to church less and less, and I eventually quit going to church altogether. I didn't pray, and I didn't feel like I had a relationship with Jesus Christ.

My mother, sister, and I stayed with her new boyfriend and his children who were brought up in a completely different, un-Orthodox, environment. I was subjected to a new way of life, having to “toughen” up a bit to the roughness I was subjected to by the kids around me. I quickly tried to find a place where I could fit in and make friends. I started to meet people through my sister, and I became introduced to other drugs, such as tranquilizers, LSD, mushrooms, and cocaine. I felt lonely inside, and I was trying to feel love through making friends and trying to find a girlfriend. I never felt like I fit in as a little kid, so I didn't have much confidence or self-esteem. I also felt pressured by my new “friends” to find a girlfriend and start having sex. Over time, my drug habit got worse and I continued to chase girls. I began selling drugs to make money as well as doing them.

I graduated high-school with high grades and entered college. I got caught up even worse with drugs and sex at this time. During this time, I overdosed on drugs and almost died. My heart stopped beating, and I had to be resuscitated. This marked a change it my life. I was scared by this event, which caused me to quit doing some of the heavy drugs I had been doing. I still continued to do LSD and marijuana, but at the same time, I found myself wanting to go back to church. I began to go to confession for the first time in my life (I had gone before, but at a young age I didn't have a cognizant awareness of my sins like I did now). I began to go to church and confession more and more, and I eventually quit doing drugs altogether. However, the drugs left me with an anxiety disorder which I still have to this day.

Over time, as I began to immerse myself in church life more and more, I began to desire the monastic life. I read a lot of church writings which weren't too helpful for someone in my position at the time. I thought that I was going to hell, and I figured I had to go to a monastery to become holy. I got off my medicine slowly, thinking that the monastic life would be enough. My parish priest directed me to a monastery, and so I went there to stay. When I got there, it didn't fit into my expectations of what monastic life should be like, so I got very depressed. I wanted to be somewhere else, but I thought I had to remain out of obedience. I was off my anxiety medicine, and I began to become very anxious. I also had a negative spiritual experience at this time, which occurred by the providence of God. I was sitting in my cell one day, and all of a sudden I felt a “cloud” of doom descend on me. It left me with the conviction that God does not exist, and I became tormented day and night. I had to leave the monastery and come home and get back on medicine.

When I came home, I got to know Father David. He was able to really identify with my struggles, and he was a great leaning post for me during this time. I even got to correspond with some of his prisoners, which was a blessing for me. Father David helped me also understand the importance of taking things one day at a time and not trying to project into the future (which usually never turns out the way we think it will anyways). Over the next few years, I tried to find medicines to help me with my anxiety, depression, and intrusive thoughts, but no medicines truly cured me. With Father David's help, I moved to a new town and got a job. Over time, the intense negative emotions got a little better as I continued living a sacramental life. I also met an Orthodox girl, who is now my wife.

At this point in my life, I am still on medicine for anxiety, but I'm now married to a wonderful girl who is very supportive of me. I'm doing a whole lot better than I was a few years ago, though I never thought I would be. I just got a new job which is a great blessing for us, too. A recent Elder has said that God shows his will to His children by the events which occur in a person's life. So even though I still struggle with despair at times and lack the feeling of God's tangible presence in my life, I see that God is directing my life to effect my spiritual healing. My faith and trust is growing slowly, but I have the will to continue the good fight and look forward to the things which God has prepared for those who love Him. I still have a wonderful relationship with Father David and his family, and I always look forward to our encounters.

Please pray for my salvation,

Nephon